(scroll down to skip my rant and jump straight to the tips)
I’ve had this conversation with friends before. I think it truly is common and normal to feel attraction towards your therapist cos it’s like wow.. someone that listens well, communicates clearly, is emotionally and intellectually intelligent, unendingly supportive, and wants the best for me — literally the characteristics of an ideal, healthy partner.
I’d been referred to psychiatrists multiple times (under duress) when I was younger, but I just wasn’t having it — they’d either try to prescribe me pills and/or make me feel more suicidal than I already was. January 2020 many years later, I was fed up with my self-diagnosed-BPD self and wanted to change, so I sought out therapy on my own accord and it was.. not horrible but also not amazing.
He was a white Christian male, in his late thirties I’d say, and likely from money. Most times he was in business attire, but one time he dressed casually, donning a pair of Vans that matched the same ones I wore to our session that day. The transference in me was triggered. Of course I left his office that day and googled his name — he was newly married to a Live Laugh Love sorta’ gal, used to have long Dawson Leery type hair, and played acoustic guitar in over-exposed Midsommar-like engagement photos.
I gave him a couple months worth of weekly fees cos he was nice and didn’t make me want to off myself, but ultimately I decided to part ways. Frankly, him and I as a therapizing duo neither felt right nor like we were getting anywhere. I doubted his ability to ever relate to me or understand my situation fully as a sheltered, religious, caucasian, more-book-than-street-smart, heterosexual man.
The root of the problem was.. I didn’t know what to expect from a therapist or how it was supposed to feel. In August of 2021, I was in an extremely desperate state; down so bad mentally that day after day I found myself unable to function. I sought out therapy again, this time more intentionally — I knew what I was looking for, what I wanted and what I needed.
I’m no pro at therapy or anything, but I’ve been seeing my current therapist weekly since September 2021, and it’s been, well.. nothing short of revolutionary. Here are some basic tips I’ve come up with to avoid wasting time, energy, and money:
SHOP AROUND. Don’t settle for the first one you find if they don’t feel right. You should feel comfortable opening up to them about things you don’t tell anyone else. You should feel like you can trust them. They should have similar values (socially, politically, culturally for example). They should have experience dealing with your specific issues. To find mine, I searched on Psychology Today and filtered the results to fit my preferences. You can filter by age, ethnicity, faith, gender, insurance, issue, language, price, sexuality, and therapy type. Not unlike dating, searching for a therapist can be tiring, but trust that your patience will pay off — don’t give up! You can also ask friends how they found theirs or what therapy app they use or maybe they’ll give you a direct referral!
CLARIFY YOUR GOALS. Why are you seeking therapy? What do you want to get out of therapy? How will you know you no longer need therapy? How much money + time do you have to spend on therapy (eg: maybe your insurance only covers a certain number of sessions)?
NEW BEGINNINGS. A complimentary initial consultation to see if you two are a good fit should be standard (or perhaps a free trial in the case of apps). A competent therapist will spend the first several sessions getting to know your background, your story, your struggles. If a therapist jumps straight into offering solutions without even knowing your history or problems properly, that is a red flag.
DON’T GET TOO COZY. Be comfortable with your therapist, but don’t be friends. Neither get too close nor become too fond of your therapist, cos endearment can affect what you share. You may stop disclosing embarrassing or incriminating information if you think of your therapist as a crush. You may begin to say or not say certain things in an attempt to impress them. You may stray from the therapeutic goal, swapping it for the goal of winning your therapist’s heart. Remember: you are paying this person to help you. Even though they may care for you, your dynamic with them is different than that of a friend.
BE HONEST. Cultivate an open rapport and learn to be unabashedly honest. Your therapist isn’t here to judge you. Check yourself constantly to make sure you’re not telling half-truths to make yourself seem better than you actually are. Lying or concealing defeats the purpose of therapy.
HAVE BOUNDARIES. Yes, you should be open and honest with your therapist but, at the same time, it’s ok to have some boundaries. If you don’t want to/are not ready to speak about a certain topic, say so. It’s ok to not be ready. A lot of traumatic experiences are extremely intense and difficult to speak about. Take all the time you need, but know how to differentiate between not being ready and plain avoidance.
SPEAK UP. Don’t be scared to speak up if something your therapist says or suggests does not resonate with you or they got your story wrong. Therapists are human too; they are not omniscient. Don’t be afraid to correct them or question their line of thinking.
HEALING IS NONLINEAR. Don’t be ashamed if you’ve relapsed or have to revisit a topic/situation you’ve previously spoken about that you thought you’d healed. Nothing in life is linear. As long as your therapy journey has a general upward trend, even if there are dips and kinks along that line — an incline is an incline, no matter how slight.
MAKE NOTES. Before, during, and after sessions I add to a running note specifically for therapy. Ask for “homework” to do between sessions, if they don’t already offer it (maybe setting a specific intention for something or a journaling exercise or a worksheet or some exposure therapy) — this helps to keep you proactive in your hEaLiNg JoUrNeY during the interim. Make a list of things you want to talk about in your next session, so you can make the most efficient use of your time together because therapy is not cheap and sessions are finite. Write down key points and epiphanies realized during your session. Notice how you feel within your physical body before and after your sessions, as well as when you talk about certain subjects (is your chest tight? your throat closed? your heart faster? your forehead sweaty? your head aching? your stomach knotted?)
BE COMMITTED. Therapy is NOT cheap, but it IS worth it. If you think just going to your weekly session is enough, it’s not. You need to make an effort to independently apply the things you’ve learned during your sessions. If you are just looking to vent and not make any actual effort to change, you don’t need a licensed therapist for that. Therapy is for tackling your internal world in order to improve your external world, and that can only happen with full commitment from both sides.
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. Ask your therapist what things can get you in trouble. For example, you may want to ask about 5150 laws (involuntary psychiatric holds) and how you can talk about things like suicide, drugs, and abuse freely but safely. Also discuss confidentiality and read over all papers thoroughly before signing.
THERAPY TYPES. Be clear about what kind of therapist you wish to see. There are so many different types of therapy. Be specific in your search — there are therapists for everything and everyone you could possibly imagine nowadays. A psychiatrist is the type of therapist that has the ability to prescribe medication.
CHECK YOUR INSURANCE. What kind of plan/benefits do you have? What is your deductible? What are your in-network therapy options? How much would you pay for out-of-network therapy? What is the reimbursement process?
AFFORDING THERAPY. Some therapists save a certain number of slots for those who need therapy but cannot afford therapy. Most therapists offer a sliding scale according to your income. I’ve also heard of therapy apps offering financial aid. There are also specific programs that offer therapy at a more affordable rate or for free.
RESOURCES. In 2022, with mEnTaL hEaLtH being such a magnified crux in our zeitgeist, you can google ‘therapist’ and be instantly inundated with boundless resources. When listening to podcasts while doing the dishes, we are bombarded with BetterHelp ad reads. When doom scrolling Instagram, we are met with ads for Talkspace. On the radio, we hear about iPrevail which provides free support for LA County residents. People have also mentioned Open Path for affordable in-office and online therapy. You can also text ‘NAMI’ to 741741 for a free text crisis hotline + access to an abundance of mental health resources, or visit this page I stole from BetterHelp if you are facing a crisis that needs immediate attention.1
A good friend of mine once said: therapy introduces radical permission to feel.. everything we’ve been taught is what our emotions SHOULD be or SHOULDN’T be and how mental/emotional health SHOULD look. I believe we should give ALL emotions equal treatment. We shouldn’t solely give happiness recognition and appreciation, but also emotions on the other end of the spectrum, and everything in between.
Therapy is an external tool to help you navigate your internal world. Not unlike Aliud, it is a tool to help you help yourself and eventually, ideally, you will become your own therapist.
Do you have any additional therapy tips to share?