TW: abuse, drugs, self harm
Name has been changed and some details may differ slightly from reality to protect identity.
PREFACE 06.28.2022
I create rehabs in my mind to pull me out of traumatic situations. The rehab is a mirage in a merciless desert. In this illusory oasis, I feel a sense of safety, protection, shelter, but it’s evanescent. The ramparts separating me from the things I fear, are not forever. Distant unpleasant memories are never further than before, they remain in the same place, I just put up walls so I can’t see them. The healed person in my mind is a travesty. So convincing, but anyone can be tricked into thinking they’re fine, if they just avoid the thing that provokes them.
But what happens when the inevitable occurs, when unexpectedly you are confronted with something related to the thing you’ve been avoiding? Will you respond differently this time? Will psychosomatic symptoms arise? Will you feel the same feelings? Will you freeze? Will you cry? Will you numb? Will you drug? Will you hurt yourself? Will you run away again, but further this time? Or will you brush it off and keep moving, because you are in fact healed?
ARCHIVE 04.04.2022
2022, Los Angeles
I wish she would hurry up. If I stay out here a second longer, he’s gonna pull up. He’s gonna fucking pull up. And he’s gonna say “LT???” cos I decided against wearing my face mask. I thought it’d look even more suspicious than just showing my full bare face. I should’ve worn the face mask. I should’ve worn the fucking face mask.
It’s too late now.
He’s gonna pull up. He’s gonna fucking pull up. Any second now. Or
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