TW: drugs
ARCHIVE 09.24.2010
This photo is the only reminder I need right now. That feeling is creeping up on me, I can sense it a league away. It's knocking me down ever so slowly, a chain of dominoes slightly glued to the surface. I brought this upon myself.
Fuck masochism, I'm done feeding that monster. I used to always say, with utmost pride and seeming wit, that I enjoyed masochistic hedonism and hedonistic masochism. Whothefuck was I kidding, I was intolerably miserable more often than not.This ominous mood slow-motion unraveling at present is tolerable but could easily make a quick u-turn. Everyone could cheer me on in horrified awe as I go off the deep end once again. But I won't let that happen, because it is precisely that which is my new fear: regressing from what I am back to what I was.
POST/PREFACE 06.24.2022
Twelve years later, and I can honestly say I still feel this exact same way. That I could, at any moment, make a u-turn and be right back where I once I was — an addict, out of control, hoping to be put out of my misery. Every single day that same fear threatens imminence. I know the possibility is always right there waiting. My chest tightens as it pulls me in.
I’m spinning, faster and faster, but the
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